just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Success! We fucked roommates!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
