Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize