One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
