he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
