had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
