he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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