Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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