now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
there's paper in my vomit.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
