We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
