the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
