just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
