I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
