ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
