Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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