I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
