I hate all girls vehemently.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
