no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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