My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
