haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
