My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
