How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
