how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
