i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
