Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize