Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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