All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
