Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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