I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
