no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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