he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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