I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
