mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
