im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
