tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
