So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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