it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
