not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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