Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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