My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
