I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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