Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
