i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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