This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
