Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
