So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
