Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
