Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
