I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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