Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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