So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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