I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
