I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
