So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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