the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
