Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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