Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize