I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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