I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
