I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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