And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
