the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
