Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
