Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Enjoy the penises
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
