I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
