Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
