Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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