wanna go halves on a baby?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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