I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I can text with my tongue
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
