Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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